By David Ryser
Forgiveness
based on forgetfulness is a Christian version of a frontal lobotomy. (Don Allender)
For the longest time, I have been
taught that forgiveness is synonymous with forgetfulness. This teaching has caused me more harm than I
could ever imagine. And my ultimate rejection
of it has brought me healing beyond my wildest imagination.
I have been reading Fil Anderson’s
wonderful book, Breaking the Rules. One of the main themes of the book is the
subject of memory. Specifically, the
Bible has a lot to say about remembering (and remembrance, and other related
words) in regard to both God and man.
Sometimes the things remembered are
good and pleasant. At other times, the
memories are bad and painful.
Both are a gift from God. Memory itself is a gift from God.
Without memory, we could not learn
and develop. We could not build on our
successes and learn from our mistakes.
We embrace good memories and savor
them. Memories of a beautiful sunset or
a majestic vista. Recalling the loving
words or the touch of a loved one. The
laughter of our children and grandchildren.
Memories of people we’ve loved who have passed away. The companionship of good friends. My favorite sports teams winning the championship.
I just love a good memory. Don’t you?
But not all memories are good. Some are bad.
Some are painful. Memories of
abuse or abandonment. Memories of when
we were treated unfairly or were misunderstood.
Times when we were betrayed or disappointed by others.
And what about the regrets and
remorse for the things we have done?
Memories of embarrassing myself by
my behavior or by the way I have treated other people. People I have let down or hurt. People I have betrayed or manipulated for my
own gain. My shortcomings as a friend, a
parent, or a spouse.
Even these memories are a gift from
God.
We need to understand this if we
are going to get the benefit from bad memories.
I tend to shy away from bad memories because they’re painful. And I’m not a big fan of pain. Neither is American Christianity, whose
religious snake-oil salesmen peddle a religion that tells me these bad memories
are an attack of the devil (or some such nonsense) and recommends rebuking or
fighting them in some other way.
Usually this involves using the
name of Jesus as some kind of magic word.
I’ve discovered that rebuking a work of God in my life…even when I use
Jesus’ name…is a colossal waste of time.
Because it was God who was bringing
the painful memories back to me. And I
needed to embrace them so I could learn the lessons from them that I needed to
learn. Memories of things done to me
typically manifested the pain associated with them as anger, hatred or
bitterness…or all three. Dealing with
memories of things said or done to me were relatively easy to deal with,
especially since I’d never suffered the kind of abuse some have experienced in
life. For me, dealing with these
memories simply required forgiveness.
Forgiveness, not
forgetfulness. I still remember, but
without pain.
The memories that continued to cause
me pain…pain so strong that I fled from them…involved my treatment of
others. God kept bringing them up, and I
kept running from them (usually by refusing to think about them and cramming
them back into the box I kept them in…out of sight, out of mind).
But God wouldn’t let up. He was trying to give me a gift.
Because if I didn’t face these
memories…and resolve them…I would fail to learn the lessons from them. I would be doomed to repeat behaviors that had
caused hurt and harm to others. And if
there was anything I wanted more than to avoid pain, it was that I wanted to
stop causing it. Because I kept hurting
people. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t want to. But the carnage of hurt people and destroyed
relationships continued to pile up behind me as I walked through life.
I wanted it to stop. I wanted desperately to break this
pattern. But I didn’t know how. I sought God about it. As I read Fil’s awesome book, the answer
finally came to me.
Remember.
So I decided to embrace the bad
memories. Embrace the pain. And the feelings of shame. Accept bad memories as a gift from
God…because they are.
And then God and I took a stroll
down Memory Lane. The memories came flooding back. I experienced them and saw the lessons I
should have learned from them.
And the pain and shame were gone.
The pain and shame are still
gone. Do I have remorse or regrets? Yes, plenty of both. Do I experience sadness when I remember some
of these things? Yes. But there is no pain or shame. I am free to explore these memories and
receive the transforming power of God that will result in changed behavior and
no more harm done to others.
Will I be perfect at this? Probably not.
I’ll likely do or say something stupid…hurt someone…and need to ask
forgiveness. But I believe my life will
be more about healing others than about harming them from now on.
And I’m so grateful….
Responses to this article are
welcomed. You may contact the author at drdave1545@yahoo.com
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