Not Everyone Who Kisses Your Butt is Your Friend: And Not Everyone Who Kicks Your Butt is Your Enemy

By David Ryser

Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.  (Proverbs 27:6, NKJV)

Recently, a friend of mine kicked my spiritual butt.  I had missed God, and she called me on it…without bothering to use a whole lot of emotional anesthesia, I might add.  Are we still friends?  Of course we are.  If we hadn’t been friends, she wouldn’t have been allowed to kick my butt in the first place.

Perhaps I had better explain that.

This lady and her husband are dear friends of mine.  They held my hand and ministered the love of God to me during a very difficult time in my life.  They believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself.  As a result, they have earned the right to speak into my life.

What?  A person has to earn the right to speak into my life?  Well…yes.

Is that scriptural?  Perhaps a lesson from the book of Job will help here.

In Job 1:1, we are introduced to Job who is described as a person who is blameless and upright, and who fears God and shuns evil.  And God has blessed him.  Job is a wealthy and great man (Job 1:2, 3).  Life is good for Job.

Until one day….

God has a conversation with Satan about Job (Job 1:6-8).  God brags on Job.  He describes Job in glowing terms.  What is Satan’s response?

Satan calls Job a whore.

Yes, he does.  Satan says, “Does Job serve God for nothing?” (Job 1:9).  And then he goes on to say that Job loves God because God pays for his love (Job 1:10).  He then predicts that if God would stop paying for Job’s love, then Job would cease to love Him (Job 1:11).

That’s quite an accusation.

God is not going to stand for Satan talking about His good friend Job that way, so He decides to prove that Job’s love is genuine (Job 1:12a & 2:6).  Soon, Job suffers great loss.  He loses his oxen, donkeys, and several servants to a Sabean raiding party (Job 1:14, 15).  His sheep are killed in what sounds like a terrible lightning storm (Job 1:16).  He has his camels stolen and more servants killed by bands of Chaldeans (Job 1:17).  His children are killed in a windstorm (Job 1:18, 19).  And then his health takes a turn for the worse.  He is covered from head to toe with painful boils (Job 2:7).

Job ends up sitting in ashes and scraping the pus from his boils with pieces of broken pottery (Job 2:8).  Not a pretty picture.

Some men hear of Job’s adversity and come to comfort him (Job 2:11).  When they see him, they are so overwhelmed by the picture of his suffering that they weep, tear their clothes (a sign of extreme grief in their culture), and sprinkle dust on their heads (Job 2:12).  Then they sit with Job for a week.

A week!  Without saying anything.   Not a word.

These men suffered with Job for a week without opening their mouths.  They earned the right to speak into Job’s life by suffering with him.  And the Bible says that these guys were his friends (Job 2:11)!  Even they had to be with Job for a time before speaking to him.

You see, speaking into someone’s life is done most effectively in the context of relationship.  Especially when what you need to speak to me is unpleasant for me to hear.  You don’t need to be in relationship with me to tell me how great I am.  I’m open to hearing that from anyone.  Relationship is for when you need to admonish me.

Relationship is for when you need to kick my butt.

If I believe you love and care about me, I will allow you to give me a swift kick in the rear…even if I think you are wrong.  But if I don’t believe you love and care about me, I’m unlikely to let you within kicking range…even if you’re right.

You must earn the right to speak into my life.  And I must earn the right to speak into yours.

You earn that right by investing time in developing a relationship with me.  You don’t earn it by virtue of having your name on the door of a church office.  You don’t earn it by having a title such as “prophet” or “bishop” or “apostle” or whatever.  Self-sent apostles are a dime-a-dozen.

No, thanks.

If you don’t have time to be in relationship with me, then I might not have the time to listen to your “word” for me.  You can take your “word” and stick it…oops…take it somewhere else.

Titles and offices are not suitable substitutes for relationship.

Are there exceptions to this rule?  Yes, of course.  But not as many as we’d like to think.

And, church leaders, please don’t bother to introduce yourself to me as “Pastor (whatever your name is).”  I’ll know what you are when I see how you behave around the sheep.

And who among us has not been beguiled by the smooth tongue and flattering lips of someone whose goal is to get something from us?  We think we’ve made a lifelong friend who loves and values us, only to have them reveal their true colors and betray us in some way.

Remember that Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss.  Not a slap.  Or a kick.

In truth, it is a shame that we are susceptible to flattery in the first place.  Do we have such a high opinion of ourselves?  We shouldn’t (Romans 12:3).  I’m not such a great catch apart from Jesus.  Or do we have such a low opinion of ourselves as to need constant affirmation…and that from people we don’t really know?

And whose opinion of us counts more than God’s?

Is His love not enough for us?  Is His praise not enough for us?  Are His presence and blessing and power in our lives not enough for us?  What about God isn’t enough for us?  Why do we desire the kisses of an enemy more than the kisses of God?

Actually, I’ve learned to appreciate my enemies.  They can teach us as much as our friends can.  God has used these people to show me a lot about of myself that needs a good God-makeover.  When I’m deceived and/or wounded by an enemy and I complain to God about it, He typically wants to talk to me about me…and not about them.

And the most valuable lesson both friends and foes have taught me is that not everyone who kisses my butt is my friend, and not everyone who kicks my butt is my enemy.

Responses to this article are welcomed.  You may contact the author at drdave1545@yahoo.com