I Want...

by Arla Speer (used with the author's permission)

I'm torn. I want more ... and less - more relational interaction and less "church".

I love the amazing ability of Papa to flood me with the effects of His love during a worship service or during a road trip or a walk where He and I are the only ones around. I know the external setting does not determine His "appearance". For He is not just around me. He is in me.

This romance is not dependent on what I am or what I can bring to it. He is much more than that. There are layers and layers of what I do and positions that I hold but when all of that is stripped away and I am just naked, that is the me He wants to spend time with. He doesn't want all my "stuff". He just wants me. The naked me who has always been all He has ever wanted. All He has ever needed. His beautiful beloved.

I'm torn. I don't know that I want to sit in a group of hundreds of people anymore listening to someone disperse a bunch of theological information no matter how entertaining it is. I want more. I want to make an impact at the "temple" I attend. And I may actually be in a place now where I could do that by giving away what I have acquired over the last few years.

But, how? Is it possible there? What would that look like? Why am I still there? What are my options? Am I ok with not going to church? I think I am becoming more and more ok with that. No. It's actually more than that. I almost feel a release from going to church, which is freeing and a little scary at the same time only because I know Papa. The struggle is seeing all those people desperately seeking God - some of them deep in His presence and others fighting the One they are seeking in the only place they have been led to believe that He is - at church.

I want real connections. Moments in time where Papa puts His finger on situations and changes lives forever bringing life out of death.

Do I want too much?